I bet I'd feel better if I [insert madness here].

Well, it's been a while since I've written, and lots has happened. To bring everyone up to speed, here is the "high-level," oversimplified, glossed-over, Shiny Happy People version:

My dad was diagnosed with colon cancer. He had surgery, during which they got it all, and he will undergo a mild chemotherapy that won't make him lose any more hair than he would on any other given day. Hooray, praise the lord, and thankgoshalmighty. Alas, it is, at the end of the day, All About The Hair. And getting your plumbing checked-- if you haven't done it, do it. I'm only 36 and I have already had polyps removed, so, ahem, take care of your bizniss. Please and thank you.

I went into the hospital for five days to try to fix my migraine issues. I won't go into the details, but let's just say that the time in the hospital was the BEST part of this ordeal, as I was at least allowed drugs while there. Now that I am out, I am having to endure all the glory that comes with daily migraines, with none of the meds. NONE. So, needless to say, my life as I know it has stopped, for now. I haven't been to work in two weeks, and probably won't be able to for another week, according to my doctor's best guess. She talked me down off the ledge this morning, bless her heart. She told me that what I have accomplished thus far in this Procedure From Hell is "awesome." I am fairly certain it was probably the first time she has ever used the word. It worked, though, and I hung up feeling slightly less depressed and pitiful than I did before she called. It doesn't make it easier, but at least she knew I needed to feel a little validation. She knows this Isn't For Wimps, and she knew that I needed to know she knew. So now I know. Yippee.

So what prompted me to post about this is this funny/pathetic thing I've been doing, while in all this pain. I become incredibly creative in finding things that will certainly make me feel better. For example, I may be lying in bed with my eye mask on, ice pack under the pillowcase, desperately clutching my "cuddle" (which is one of those FOM pillow things from Brookstone-- and you should get one, because they will make anybody feel better), and suddenly think, I bet I'd feel better if I put on some of that lip balm Laura gave me for Christmas. And something makes me BELIEVE it, 100%. So I get up and go searching for the lip balm Laura gave me for Christmas. Which I took to Atlanta, so it must be in the carry-on I took with me. Oh, but I didn't take a carry-on-- I took my briefcase. But it's not in there, or I would have used it since then. So it must be in my suitcase. Oh, but (miracle upon miracles) I already unpacked that. So where is it? And what unravels is this frantic, somehow time-sensitive search for the lipbalm that Laura gave me for Christmas, because THAT, and only that, will cure my head and make me feel absolutely and completely better. So I find it, finally, and I get back in bed and am just so pleased with how much better I feel, now that I have the lipbalm on. The analgesic effects of a little distraction can go a long way.

Oh, and there are more. I'll spare you the reasoning behind each of them, because, frankly, I couldn't explain some of the logic if my life depended on it.

I bet I'd feel better if I...
washed my face one more time, but with a different washcloth.
put socks half-way on/half-way off my feet.
drove myself to Dunkin Donuts and back.
put my drink in a different glass.
got the dog to come take a nap with me.
got the dog to get the hell off the bed.
had a dozen oysters on the half-shell for supper.
put more ice in my drink.
watched one of my shows with my sunglasses on.
did a sudoku puzzle.
slept all wrapped up in my first completed crochet project.

The madness never ends. But you know what? I don't care how nuts it is-- if it works, I'm gonna do it. Pain sucks, and I am Over It!!!

Brian is bringing me home some ice cream and Hershey's syrup. Because I bet I'd feel better if I had a homemade chocolate shake...